Looking back there are times in my life where I wish I had spoken up. Times where, perhaps if I had, things would have ended differently. Fear, embarrassment, and the unknown kept me silenced. Acknowledging now, all the times I wish I had said something. Only now, feeling the voice within to empower me.
Now, as a mother, with children of my own, my strongest instinct is to protect them. To ensure that if they were ever to encounter such an event or issue, they would speak freely and openly about any injustice. And to know how to control their own story.
Events do not need to be physical to leave a lasting scar. For me it was the culmination of emotional trauma from several separate incidents that have lingered with me to this day. One such incident involved repeated unwanted sexual derogation in a work place that ultimately led me to leave a job I otherwise loved. The constant fear of speaking up, because the instigator owned and operated the business I worked for. The trickle down effect of his behaviour in front of coworkers only made matters worse, they then felt that his behaviour was acceptable. The final straw for me, was being dangled a carrot for an opportunity that seemed so surreal, only to find out that there was an underlying caveat of exploiting me in a manner that made me beyond uncomfortable. This ultimately led me to leave.
Similarly, an earlier incident in my youth in which I wish I had spoke up, involved abuse of power through intimidation with extremely strong sexual undertones. This incident left me shuddered for years because it occurred in a place where I should have felt safe. I could not speak of this event to my parents for over twenty years because of how embarrassed it made me feel, compounded by the fact that my father knew the individual who made me feel this way.
These are only a couple of examples of a multitude of incidents experienced in my younger life. Sadly, I am certain many can relate.
The What If
What would have happened had I spoken up? Would the inappropriate harassment end? Would it be worse? Now my mindset has shifted and I believe had I said something it could have stopped future incidents from happening to someone else. The big picture, if these individuals felt so freely to treat me the way they did with no backlash, no one to tell them that their behaviour was wrong, it is highly probable that their actions would continue and could effect others. I do regret my silence now.
The Why
I have four children, I want them to speak up. I want them to feel comfortable in their own skin and to understand should they ever find themselves out of their comfort zone they can use their voices, and speak up. I want them to feel in control of their being and of their own narrative. They should never cower to the unhinged power of another.
Speak up and take control, this is your life.
-Lunapentopaper